Kozlowsky's notes - 13 Death and beyond

I have never realized that Death can be so sudden.
He creeps and lurkes in every corner of our life. He follows your shadow, sits down by your side when you drink coffe, jumps into the tram with you, when you rush and try to catch the wagon. He offers you the job position which takes away your life, it renumerates you with sorrow and tears once you settle down and let you build your family, only to allow you to see them dying in you hands.
Just for one moment I wanted to forget that thought. Forget that He will catch me someday. But more than this I was afraid of the fact that He will come first for my beloved ones. He will take them before me, He will destroy my earthly life by taking away the ones I have protected and cherished. And if he does it He will no longer have to wait to take me. My life without my love would be the contradiction of
my existence.
If someone told me how I died I wouldn't be at all surprised. The only thing that could have left me in anger would have been the fact of not finishing the things that I wanted to do. I reckon that almost all people die like this-not having finished their own work, their opus magnum or at least not seeing their children having their own children. On the other side, what can be more irritating than thinking what you have still to do and not finishing it? Well, this is how I ended. I got killed before I solved that mystery. 

Or maybe there wasn't any mystery only my mind wanted to find one? We all search for something like if that urge to find things were our modus operandi. We all want something, desire things or people. We hold to these cravings like idiots dancing among each other in the ballroom. I wanted to know the truth behind the investigation though the truth was something that I imagined to find in the place where there were no answers. I followed the white rabbit straight to the hole but the hole was fake. It all started to disappear once I entered it. It melted and vapoured away. It was like black magic-full of deceptive appearances. But man makes life complicated and tries to find solution where there are none. Or better said, there are solutions but they are not permanent, only temporary, they change and adapt according to the person and world we live in.
Tawarisz Gonczarov. It was Gonczarov who finally got me.
On Saturday's night I left Bielila Gviezda and headed towards my flat. I partied with my office colleagues which I shouldn't have done. They must have arranged my assassination. They informed the guys who waited in front of the bar to whack me. Drunk but still keeping my sense of control of things I strolled down Novosybirskaja ulica. 

Of course they chose a dark corner to attact me. Three rookies circled me and took out knives. 

'Let's have some fun, boys,' I dared to speak to them but knew I had no chance to get out from that alive. 4 knives against my feeble, unarmed body. They were young boys, in their twenties but agile to use the blade. The first wanted to stab me in the stomach. I jumped to the side, managed to take control of his right arm and directed the knife to his head. With a swift move, I slit his throat and a gush of blood dispersed on the street. The first assaulter was down. Right after this two boys simultaneously attacked me from both sides. I didn't manage to hold against one of them and saw how he reached me with his sharp blade right under my left rib. The blade went smoothly into the coat, pierced through it and entered into my body, like a knife slits into butter that my grandmother used to smear on sandwiches that once she had made especially for me. I still remembered the taste of fresh bread baked by her in the oven. Now, blood started to fill in my mouth. I smiled on that nice thought about the freshly baked bread. It is funny how a man remembers those tiny parts from life facing Him. 

The third hitman was few inches from me and already started to sting me with his pocketknife. One sting, secondandthirdandfourth and stopped to take a breath and again onetwothreefourfivesix stabs in my body. After the first three stabs I didn't even feel that strong pain. It just passed by. I was slowly losing consciousness. I didn't remember how but I broke one of the hitmen's arm. I remembered him screaming in pain. The third boy was really stubborn and wanted to make a Swiss cheese out of me. He kept stabbing me until I lost my patience, took the knife away and thrust it into his eyeball. Again scream and again pain and again blood. I fell to my knees bleeding. 

I knew there were rickshaws' stand round the corner. If I got to one of them so it could take me to her. I wanted to go to her place, becasue it was hers and because I could feel good with her, because I wanted to die beside her. I knew they might wait for me at the hospital once I would manage to get out of that mess. But I wanted to see her and to be taken care of her. I knew she could help me. She was the only person I could rely on. I trusted her. 

If only I reached that rickshaw. I had to get out of that dark street and shout for the rickshaw boy. I could see the him waiting for the customer, smoking tobacco. I tried to shout but he couldn't hear me, I was too feeble to shout again. I stretched my hand as if trying to reach him, wanted him to help me, to see me bleeding in the street.
Then I saw the figure coming out from the pararell street. Gonczarov. I was too naive to have thought that I could manage to see her before I die. Too naive to think that I can get out of it like this. Survive? I laughed at my naivety. Gonczarov approached me and took out his pistol. He aimed at me and fired two shots in my head. Thank you Gonczarov, you relieved me from my naivety, but mostly you saved me from seeing my loved ones dying in front of me. On my hands, in my heart. I am too weak to see them dying and you Gonczarov, you made me happy this way. You killed me before noble Death took them. I appreciate it. Thank you.